Articles by Jeffrey Douglass
Quick links:
- How to Experience Your Soul
- Using Your Fear for Transformation
- A New Understanding of Depression: A Call for Love
- Introduction to the Book "Living From Your Soul"
- Our Soul's Way and Stress
- The Mystery of Relationships
- Experiencing the Subtle Work of Soul
How to Experience Your Soul
To experience your divine nature, start making it a habit to place your attention on your Soul during the day. Your attention has probably been elsewhere so initially you may feel quite flatfooted and not sure how to feel your divine nature. One of the easiest ways to begin is to simply ask, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”. This question moves your attention away from typical thoughts, emotions and reactions that you are familiar with to the spiritual dimension of your being. It is a question to make you aware of your essence rather than a question to necessarily to be answered.
The question also implies there is no “seeking”, “working on” or “attaining” a “state of consciousness”. Divinity is within, whole and completely intact. You are just making space to notice what was forgotten and overlooked by the ego's investment in a self-image. Rather than engage with the world in same old ways to maintain a certain ego identity, the question provides an opportunity to know more about your essence.
However, this kind of re-focusing needs to be done with a sense of devotion rather than with a motive to “feel better”, to be spiritually enlightened or as a new strategy for more effective living. To live from Soul is to expect nothing from it- not to save yourself or the world. All ego-based spirituality is revealed by the presence of expectation. It is a form of assault upon divinity with preset assumptions and goals that usurp the ways of Soul which are often subtle. Soul is just for being. Experiencing your divinity requires this simple, open curiosity.
When asking the question,“What is my Soul experiencing?”, what often follows is an observing eye watching to see if anything is happening as a result. If the question is asked with a motive in mind, then the tendency is to look for a result based on assumptions and expectations about what you want to happen. You want to know if you are getting back what you thought you would from asking the question. You are after achieving your ideal state and you want to see if anything special is happening. These wants are very understandable and besides indicating the ego's involvement, they also speak to your deep longing to know Spirit. However, expectations will only lead to mistaken conclusions, disappointment and eventually giving up.
Instead, ask the question as a reflection of your devotion. Now you are coming from your heart to know your true nature. You are held in a love that softens everything, holds you in your center and allows you to be gracious with what ever happens or doesn't happen. Your love is foundational to the process. It is what will get you through your challenges. Many times along the way you will feel like you are failing. Feeling a sense of failure is inevitable and is always an indication that the ego has entered the process. Since no one is completely free of ego, it will be a part of your path. The ego will make itself known in the spiritual process by having a goal or ideal image in mind that you haven't met. Falling short of this goal can feel like one of the worst kind of failures because it seems to represent a separation from love, connection, peace and joy. In other words, separation from what means the most to your heart. However, it is the very love that you seek which embraces apparent failure when the question originates from devotion. Love is there with you when a noticeable shift in consciousness doesn't occur and there is no overt spiritual stimulation to make you feel like you are getting somewhere. Instead of thinking it doesn't work and/or something is wrong with you, a spaciousness arises from a deep sense of knowing that everything is OK just as it is. You aren't concerned with the result of the question. You are innocent, curious and open to remembering how Soul works free from any agenda.
Sometimes, very profound experiences do arise but more typically, the work of Soul is subtle. The subtle nature of Soul usually remains hidden from the mind because it is busy both answering the question and wondering whether or not the question is causing anything to happen. Looking to see if anything is happening is a useful reminder that you are not entering Soul consciousness with curiosity based in devotion. It lets you know that the ego has appeared without your awareness. The ego has taken the form of doing something to get something. It is wanting to be in control by going to your Soul to make something happen. This misses the way in which divine Love works. Divine Love always works through receiving and never through what amounts to willful attempts to control spirit according to your needs and desires.
Remember that Love is not subject to control. It is the ground, the sun, it is the invisible force behind all that is. Knowing your divine nature as love is unlike mental or physical work that involves concrete acts that are within your control to reach a goal. Instead, love is revealed through a simple devotion and openness. Therefore, asking about what your Soul is experiencing is the same as wanting to go for a walk in the woods because you love nature or pausing to notice a beautiful sunset that draws you to it's awesome splendor. In each, your love for nature causes you to make yourself open and available to receive what is there. So it is with your spiritual nature. Asking in this way creates space for you to experience something beyond what your mind thinks should happen.
Instead of making spirituality “happen”, things happen in a different way. The idea of cause and effect gives way to synchronicity. What “happens” is not because you asked the question, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?” but rather has to do with taking a moment to release your sense of a separate self into the whole. You enter a river of grace which has its own time, divine purpose and way of returning you to the ocean. There is no point in trying to figure out if anything is “happening” because you asked the question. In the realm of grace, the need to stay on top of spiritual progress gives way to your wisdom. Wisdom is an implicit trust in what “is”. You are neutral. To remain so allows you to begin to realize that what does happen is not solely dependent on your mind and your will.
As you let go of the idea that you are “causing” spiritual experiences to happen or not happen, the “river of grace” begins to carry you into the force of Love. One of the first things you may notice is that your never-ending thoughts stop for at least a moment. In this moment, there is stillness and peace. Mindfulness techniques are not necessary in the the quiet of Soul. It just happens naturally. What then usually occurs are subtle shifts. The air may seem to be lighter as if you just left a stuffy room to go outdoors. There may be a warm sense of presence which moves in and around your body. You may feel slightly more expanded. Something catches your eye that you didn't notice before as you become aware of your surroundings in new ways. You may work with greater ease, notice a certain flow, and feel a quality of aliveness that was not there before asking the question. Or, it may seem like nothing is happening. If this is the case , first check to see if you are “using” the question to avoid, fix, change and/or attain something. The ego has a way of coming into the process without your awareness. When there is a motive, just note that the ego is at work. Under these circumstances, there is not really an opening for Soul to be received. When there is no hidden motive at work, then in your simple curiosity and devotion there is no need for anything to happen.
The experience of “nothing happening” is an opportunity to release any remaining attachments and leaves you purified in your devotion. From this innocent intent, a more complete immersion into the spiritual dimension of your being is likely to occur. Subtle and not so subtle changes arise not from anything you are doing but from a deeper alignment with your true self.
The experience of spiritually growing without “doing” anything seems counter-intuitive. It is usually more comforting to learn traditional practices that sages have used to attain enlightenment. “Working” on yourself gives you something to do to reach your goal and provides a sense of self-determination and control. There is an overall sense of spiritual progress being made that you are directing. While there may be substantial benefit from these practices, enlightenment will be elusive if it inadvertently delays knowing your true nature. In the words of St. John of the Cross , “The more spiritual a man is, the more he discontinues trying to make particular acts with his faculties.. Once the faculties reach the end of their journey, they cease to work, just as man ceases to walk when he reaches the end of his journey. If everything consisted of going, one would never arrive; and if everywhere we found means, when and where could we enjoy the end and goal?... at this stage, the faculties are at rest, and do not work actively but passively, by receiving what God is effecting in them.”
There is a divine seed within you that grows into your awareness on it's own. Only a simple curiosity is needed. When you ask, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”, the divine seed of awareness is stirred. The Parable of the mustard seed and the yeast [Matthew 13:31, 33] speaks beautifully to this in comparing our unfolding to something as natural as “seed” and “yeast”:
The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in the field. The kingdom of heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
Asking, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”, is a way of spirituality that once begun or given intent, works on it's own- like a seed and without human effort like yeast works to leaven bread. Soul spreads its life force outwards. It is subtle work from the inside out. More typical is approaching spirituality from the outside in by using a “practice” or method for self-realization. This may be an indication of separation from Soul. The divine seed is not recognized. The Soul informed mind does not have a plan for enlightenment. Plans are often a reflection of distrust and therefore a defense against Soul. The “seed” is simply something to be received.
To realign with your true nature, think of yourself only as a gardener of your Soul. There is a seed within that is growing and inevitably shows itself. It happens on its own or through Grace. You are to cultivate It's growth. How? Primarily by making room, making space for It to grow into your consciousness. Asking, “What is my Soul experiencing?” is making space. Add to the soil of your being trust and faith. Trust in your self and that the deepest part of you knows the way. Have faith that it will come on it's own.
Soul is not remembered as a result of “doing” anything. Asking the question is a shift from “doing” to “receiving” what is already there. What you are is effortless. Effort takes away while cessation opens and reveals. “Doing" is often the ego. “Be still and know that I am God” is the letting go of “doing” something to become more spiritual. “Knowing” means being. When asking, “What is my Soul experiencing this moment?”, allow yourself to feel the stillness and the joy that arises without the question tethered to the need for something to happen. This is the “garden” from which you grow.
Exercise: It is now time to be in this “garden”. Much of spirituality has been based in “doing”. It has been about acting loving, kind and good. It has also involved giving something to get “merits” or to be in God's grace. Reflect on how much of this “doing” was really a form of ego based relating that began in childhood and has never matured. This is something everyone needs to reflect upon to one degree or another. Was God substituted for your parents in certain ways and how much of your spiritual behavior has been about once again gaining approval? What are the similarities as to how you approach God? In this old scheme, did it seem that if you prayed enough, if you were good enough, if you gave enough, then you would be rewarded a special place with God? While these actions likely allowed you to dwell upon spirit and have made you a better person, it was only a beginning. If it was seen as a means to an end, then it may present an obstacle to your unfoldment. When you detach from this “deal” and the implicit expectations that come along with it, a space opens up for you to know Soul. Ask, “What is my Soul experiencing?” without any “deals” in mind and only from your heart. What do you notice when no expectation is attached ? If nothing apparent is happening, what is it like to allow this to be without making any conclusions? Notice all the ways Love makes itself known. Make it a habit to ask the question throughout the day and begin a spiritual adventure in which you will discover yourself anew.
Using Your Fear for Transformation
After experiencing a profound shift in an exercise from a “Living from Your Soul” retreat, Jim shared what happened and then exclaimed, "Thank God for fear!" Why would anyone say this? No one likes to feel fear or be afraid. It is because he deeply realized how he could use his inner fears to take him into a greater love and truth that would otherwise not have been possible. Rather than repeating the same old battle with his fear of not being enough, fear of failing and fear of making a mistake, he experienced something more authentic and real: “a beauty and peace beyond all understanding”. It “broke through my past conditioning” and acted as catalyst for needed changes in his life.
Jim's experience reminded me of a time when I also felt a “beauty and peace beyond all understanding”. I was caught in an unpredicted gale while sailing my 29 foot boat single handedly. The crests of the waves were crashing over the entire boat, the mast was shaking furiously and the wind howled and whined through the rigging. There was so much spray from the waves crashing on the that I had to grab my diving mask just to see. I was very scared of something breaking and drowning. I became so nervous, I was having trouble thinking straight. Then, from years of meditation, I had the presence of mind to begin feeling the presence of Spirit by putting my focus on what my Soul was experiencing while a part of me was so scared. The veil began to lift and I started to see the incredible beauty of the waves and how the sunlight played with the prisms of spray. I could feel the wind reaching around the whole world and sense an underlying calm and order behind it all. I merged with the wind and the waves and let their power go all through me. I was one with the storm. It was exhilarating! It turned out to be one of the most powerful, life defining spiritual experiences I have ever had. Something in me permanently shifted. I have never been the same. Perhaps something like this has happened in your life where you began feeing very afraid only to find a deeper truth and way unfold. What follows is an understanding of what made this transformation possible so that you may also use your fear[s] as an agent for deepening Soul consciousness.
It has been said that “love is the opposite of fear” however, in this case, fear is being used as a pathway to your true self. Therefore, the intent is not to get rid of fear through it's opposite or by using any other strategy. Nor is the intent to battle, judge, suppress or try to run from fear. Fear met without defenses can open us to new found dimensions of Soul. Fear provides the springboard to discover, through direct experience, the vastness of who you are.
To soulfully meet fear is now essential. Fear disconnects you from the more subtle and rich nature of everything and reduces the world to a collection of things and objects, including people. It is a form of desecration that ultimately wants to destroy. Fear is rapidly becoming more pervasive. Seismic changes are occurring in today's world involving forces that exist on such massive scale that it is easy to feel helpless and powerless to deal with them. Ongoing exposure results in a chronic state of anxiety and fear that affects you without your awareness. You may become addicted to one thing or another, feel more separated, anxious and distrustful and anger may surface unexpectedly. A slow process of numbing, contraction and shutting down of emotional depth can occur in which you don't feel a connection to anything meaningful. Flatness, despair and loss of knowing yourself can result along with the creation of a false, protected self to cover your essence and aliveness. You feel more alone, less engaged and more cut off from your inner life. Your body becomes armored. It is the subtle influence of fear that over time creates contraction and the lack of true connection. Instead your life is lived superficially. You no longer experience your true nature. This is why transforming fear is one of the most important spiritual capacities of our time and where a great break through can occur.
It can be freeing to first admit that you, as well as most, are afraid much of the time and deeply so at certain times. It is the beginning of making space to explore your fear. When you think about what makes you afraid, the tendency is to think that it is a circumstance that you are facing in your life. Common fears are losing one's job, not having enough money, growing old, not being good enough, climate change, terrorism, getting cancer, losing a relationship, having a child die, any significant change in general and being overwhelmed with a foreboding sense that you can't do it all.
Typically, fear is reacted to in two ways. The first is keeping it at bay through distraction like shopping. The second is by controlling the environment, people and situations. Examples are using additional security measures [right to carry concealed weapons, gated communities, fences, burglar alarms],hiring more police, having elaborate tests and procedures if we are ill, over using medication, withdrawing, consuming alcohol and buying more to make ourselves more comfortable. This is based on the simplistic notion that if the causes of fear can be found and eliminated then there would be no more fear. The great irony of control is that the more control you exert, the more fear arises which creates a greater need for control. It is like a Chinese finger pull. When you pull harder to get your fingers out, the pressure increases and you become more fastened to the contraption, in this case, fear. There is no escape. There is always something to fear. A deeper answer awaits and is made possible when you realize fear is for shattering the false sense of self, including false securities, and piercing your well constructed layers to reveal your core.
Reflect upon the last time you were afraid or focus on a current fear. Notice how fear tends to separate you from the center of your being. This is a key understanding that will be used as a spring board for experiencing your true nature in ways that otherwise might not be discovered. The tendency is to lose your center because fear is fragmenting. It creates doubt, confusion, hesitancy, isolation and loss of confidence. Instead of the wholeness of being, you are split and pulled apart. A sense of relatedness to yourself and what is around you is lost. While you are busy with strategies to avoid feeling fear or eliminating it, fear is undermining connection. When you medicate, make it a problem from childhood, use strategies such as thinking positively, solicit advise or say it is a result of not being close enough to God, the essence of connection and who you truly are is ignored. These tactics are directed towards buttressing an ego identity. Yet you can only have fear if all you have is an ego. Fear is a portal leading to a deeper and more conscious experience of Soul to balance out any and all fears. Fear can only be met with the totality of your being and it is fear's purpose to restore you to this fullness. When stressed, the tendency is to “think” the way through situation. The Soul or essence of who you are is excluded.
The fear of death is the mother of all fears. Death represents the fear of not knowing yourself as you know yourself. Yet you have never really known yourself beyond a limited set of self-images which have a history and continuity based upon repeated thoughts and behavioral patterns. Fear is fierce grace requiring a relinquishment of control or surrender at the worst moment. Overwhelmed with not knowing what to do, a river of fear takes you down the rapids and eventually delivers you to the ocean of your being. When you let go of fighting fear and are open to bringing a greater love to bear, the mystery of love and who you are unfolds in greater and greater depth. Fear leads you to dimensions and capacities of love that you never knew where there. It is not that “love is the opposite of fear” as a way of getting rid of fear but to know beyond a doubt that you are not alone. This is experiencing your Soul. How does this happen? Let go!
Letting go is made easier when you recognize and honor that there are always two great natural forces at work: the force of construction and the force of deconstruction. Both open a pathway for evolution of consciousness as a bud is shed so the flower can open. Wisdom is knowing the difference between will and love. One resists, the other transforms. How you respond to these two forces quite literally makes all the difference in the world.
Exercise: What most essentially needs addressing when there is fear is realizing the care that binds has been lost. Love has no place in the situation. Fear separates. Most fundamentally, fear keeps Soul apart from your consciousness. Therefore, fear is defined as being disconnected from the eternal. The fact that so many are “seeking spirit” as something outside of themselves is an indication of fear taking over to the extent that the person has lost his natural state or orientation. Fear and anxiety result when we take ourselves to be separate. The truth of your being is that you are mysteriously part of everything. You are within all that is. Ordinary and familiar states of consciousness are the domain of ego consciousness which by definition is a “self” separate from the outside and others. It is as if anxiety breaks through the limited thinking and exacerbates the immediate need to remember your true nature.
Therefore, when you feel fear, recognize this as the ego using fear to maintain and perpetuate itself as the center of your consciousness. Shift your focus to Soul consciousness. Align with your Soul by feeling into what your Soul is doing while the ego is being fearful. What do you experience when you remember the light within? Fear is not so much a result of what you see but how you see it. When you see it from your heart or Soul, what happens?
Fear reminds you to return to living from your Soul and make that an ordinary part of everyday life.
A New Understanding of Depression: A Call for Love
An interesting fact about depression that has far reaching implications is that recent research indicates that for mild to moderate depression, physical exercise is at least as effective and, in some cases, more effective than anti-depressant medication. What else might say when you don't restrict yourself to the western scientific view of the body as solely a mechanical, material system whose sac of chemical exchanges can be manipulated for your benefit by exercise or medication?
By enlarging the scope of inquiry to include consciousness, what role does exercise have in shifting your state of consciousness when you exercise? Why does it feel so good and why do you feel quite different afterwards? How does your sense of self in relation to others, to nature, to a problem that you are currently facing change? What happened? Take a moment to remember the last time you exercised. What qualities of consciousness most characterized what you felt?
Did you feel a sense of “strength” , a “movement of energy”, more “alive” , a “unity” of body, mind and spirit and/or a sense of “connection” with what is around you, particularly if you exercised in nature? Typically, exercise “feels good” for one or more of these kind of reasons. Then, when you resume your activities, whether it involves working through an issue, relating to others, taking care of chores or simply relaxing, you feel refreshed, renewed and often inspired by new insights and perspectives. This is very noticeable if, before exercising, you felt depressed, stuck, tired and/or overwhelmed.
Another fact about depression that has more implications than first meets the eye, is that cognitive behavioral therapy is widely recognized as an effective evidence based treatment for depression. This is essentially a form of psychotherapy that focuses on the types of errors in thinking that cause depression. Over generalizing, black and white thinking, disqualifying the positive and magnifying the problem are the kinds of thoughts that a psychotherapist will look to correct in this form of therapy. But is it the negative thoughts that are really the root cause? It certainly is very depressing to think you are worthless, helpless and/or that nothing goes your way. However, when you ask what is the worst of having those thoughts or what is the bottom line of feeling like you are a failure, it often has to do with a lack of connection, feeling totally alone and separate from everyone else who seems to have it together.
Commonly, when you exercise or when you have positive thoughts, a sense of connection is enhanced. What does this suggest about a core understanding of depression? Consider that depression is what you experience when a feeling of separation from your innate wholeness and meaningful connection with others predominates your consciousness. When you are cutting off, shutting out or down and therefore disconnecting from the essence of who you, depression appears. Depression is most fundamentally a call to remember that you are one with all that is, to reunite with your Soul, to realign with the life force and to re-connect with others. In other words, it is time to let go of false beliefs that result in feeling separate and to move more deeply into feeling love.
Let's start with loving yourself from a truer place. When you say you “love yourself”, it usually means you feel you are a “good” person, you “accept” who you are, you “like” what you have done and have forgiven past errors. However, this is not the experience of love emanating from within your Soul. It is outside love that is conditional. When things are going the way you want, you feel confidant and have a positive outlook and self-image. When not, your self-esteem drops, you doubt yourself and you feel the threat of being an outcast. A sense of connection is lost because it was not based in real connection. Real connection always remains regardless of the change in circumstances.
Soul love is love within yourself not love of yourself. Love within is unconditional. It is your essence. Depression, properly understood and used, reveals the difference. Depression shatters the fragility of false love so that you may discover and experience the source of real love. It is a presence always there that arises without effort and does not require “working”on yourself. It is simply to be received and be made aware of particularly upon the eventual collapse of outside love.
When a collapse of self-esteem occurs, the suffering of feeling separate from yourself and therefore others is the worst of it. The pain is used to become aware that your self-esteem was not based in your essence and the separation you feel reflects an inner separation that was there all along. You have not been conscious of your innate wholeness and at oneness with all that is. There is no possibility of knowing who you really are and Soul's way of living. Depression is a necessary failure. It requires that you dig deeper by pointing out what form[s] of separation is needing to be let go of so that you may experience your true nature. When the medication or thought distortion “fixes” are recognized as just a beginning, then the power of depression can be used as a faithful servant to the unfolding of Soul consciousness. All suffering is, in the end, about the need to remember. It opens the door to go deeper and experience the love that is within. This love is the ground of all life and is only where connection can be truly known.
When you experience your Soul's love instead of self-esteem based in outer love, then the circumstances around you can look radically different. Even when nothing has changed, new perspectives, solutions and ways of being with the situation can suddenly arise from within. The same challenge with a very different consciousness changes your world. Therefore, the first step is about re-connecting. Then the second step is problem solving, if there is still a need. This maybe a very different way to approach challenges than what you are used to. Commonly, you think you can't rest or let it go until you first do something to get rid of the “negative” thoughts and feelings and/or address the “negative” situation. Love from within or Soul consciousness connects you to something much larger than the confines of depression. “Receiving” takes precedent over “doing” in the beginning so that you may experience what it is like to come from a place that is not just your overworked mind. From a sense of connection with all that is, the right action will be realized. It is only from separation that you can feel too overwhelmed or depressed to act or to act from from frustration.
Exercise: The next time you feel depressed, realize that most fundamentally it is about a need to re-connect to what is larger and to what is true. Depression is like a void in need of being filled with love. Take your aloneness, which is the ultimate pain of disconnection, into the arms of your Soul. Ask what your Soul or heart is experiencing as you are held in your aloneness. Go for a walk in nature, call a friend, follow your breath or listen to a beautiful song. These will all help you to receive love. It is about a time for remembering that you are one with all and creating the circumstances for that to happen. Depression is to take you deeper into your heart so that you can feel what is there. Ask again what your Soul is experiencing. That is the only place where you can know yourself and your heart's way to be in the world. When you are living from your Soul, you will know. Depression is replaced with the joy, ease and peace that stems from knowing you are connected with the love behind all that is.
INTRODUCTION TO THE BOOK, “LIVING FROM YOUR SOUL”
“Your true nature is not lost in moments of delusion, nor is it gained at the moment of enlightenment. It was never born and can never die.” Huang Po
In recent years, I had felt a growing urgency to live from the fullness of who I am. I was restless for the enlightenment I had sought for so many years. I wanted to know what was getting in the way. Something was missing even though, in many ways, my life was filled with Spirit. I felt I had to go inside to find the answers. I prayed that I was asking the right questions. Then one day, my friend Jane, who is a spiritual director said," Jeffrey, I've been thinking that my pursuit of enlightenment has been driven by my ego." Amazed by the coincidence, I responded by saying that I had been thinking along the same lines. As we talked further, we suddenly realized that we were on to something bigger than either of us initially realized. In a rush of energy that made our spines tingle, it became clear to us that we had moved from seeking enlightenment to learning to live from the consciousness of our Souls and the fullness of our being. Recognizing the difference was beyond exciting! We were astounded by the enormity of this shift and the profound changes it implied. Furthermore, we realized that this is how "the dawning of a new age" will come to be. We were prime examples of people beginning to learn how to live from our Soul and be transformed by It's consciousness. Our experience is part of an enormous shift going on in the consciousness of humanity toward coming into the fullness of our being. This "new age" is about living directly from our Soul. We had unwittingly been living too much from our ego's ideas of enlightenment.
The inspiration to live from our Soul came in a flash. After our conversation, I launched into a process of eager inquiry to address the many questions that arose. What does it mean “to live from our Soul”? How do we do that? What would it be like? What is the role of religious and spiritual practice in helping us to live from our Soul's fullness? If our ego has really been involved, how do we know that? Haven't we been very careful to come from a spiritual place and not the ego? Doesn't spiritual practice already address the ego in many ways so that we can know something greater? Finally, I wondered how coming from my Soul will affect everyday life.
However, I soon realized that what I wanted to know most was , “What is my Soul experiencing right now?” Starting with this question, I began to learn to come from my Soul and I lived into my other questions. The following is my present understanding of what it is like to come from our Soul and how to do it in key areas of life. I pay particular attention to the challenges we commonly face at work, in partnering and sex, when we are in conflict with others, with our emotions, with stress and how to find the best way to help someone struggling. I also address the challenges that arise as we live more and more from our Soul. For me, two of the more notable ones were the unexpected, fierce reaction of the rebellious ego. [It would be more accurate to describe this as the “dark night” of the ego, not the Soul.]. The other, the great sense of pain when I wasn't coming from my Soul. What I share is based on my own personal experience and what I have realized up to this point while living from my Soul.
At many points in writing this book, I asked, “What does my Soul want to say?” Writing from my Soul has been a powerful experience in it's own right. I was moved from the inside out. I was used to being moved by Love that came from the outside. Like when a spiritual teacher deeply touched me or I saw something beautiful in nature or read Sacred text and it stirred my heart. Writing from my Soul was being moved from the inside out by Love that was always there and is our essential nature. It has also been a means for being in direct contact with what has felt similar to an Inner Teacher. However, it is not so much being taught as being in touch with a sacred dimension of myself that beholds the world in a radically different way. It took me time to realize and accept this Teacher as actually my Soul. Being informed from this extraordinary place inside felt unbelievable yet also like I was finally coming home to myself.
The following could have been written by anyone of us who is living from their Soul. I believe much more will be added to what I offer as we begin to collectively source from our Souls. While my contribution is deeply personal to understanding who I am as Soul, it is also sublimely universal and impersonal. We are ultimately One Soul. I join you there and may what I share be a meeting of our Souls.
Living from our Soul is about sourcing our experience of the world from our core. By referencing our thoughts and actions to our Soul, we align to a living, vital and transformative aspect of ourselves. This simultaneously feels both radically unfamiliar and like returning home. Originating from the Soul's energy field involves letting ourselves be changed from our egoic state by a field of power that we can't conceptualize but pulses us, moves us, dissolves us and forms our thoughts, words and actions into Itself. It is following the Soul's impulse moment to moment to ride on an ever present Divine current. Similarly, it is like plugging into electric current without knowing what gets turned on and lit up until we see it. This requires putting aside the kind of will that typically has a goal in mind or wants to make something happen. Therefore, when we come from the Soul, we put aside such things as wanting to be enlightened, awakened or saved and we learn that these are not the Soul's concerns. To source our thoughts, words and actions from the Soul is not a belief, religion or spiritual practice nor is it working on oneself to become a better person. Instead it is using a question like, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?” or “What would it be like to come from my Soul at this moment?” and then suspending the need to know long enough to be informed from our Soul. In this way we are transformed by our Soul's presence in the world.
There can be a world of difference between coming from our Soul and spiritual practices such as meditating on, “I am love”, repeating God's name or mindfulness. Coming from our Soul is being formed from the inside out. When we pray or meditate we work from the outside in. That is, we do such things as stilling our mind and focusing on sacred words until we feel something deeply within. While praying or meditating can play an important role in our spiritual unfoldment, it leaves us vulnerable to the direction of the ego and the ego's ideal image of ourselves. We typically start with an idea about a state of consciousness that we seek and want. But who is it that wants to know God? Where inside us does the seeking, wanting, desiring and/or longing originate? Most of the time we authentically feel the deepest place in our heart that wants to know God. However, when we come from our Soul there is no seeking or wanting. We are in the midst of the emerging Presence of our own Soul which is God. Coming from our Soul is coming from God. Therefore, we no longer are focused on connecting with God but what it is like to originate from God instead of our personal will and intention. God is already there moving us and creating us. So, coming from our Soul is like being free to use our hand rather than thinking we need to work on connecting to our hand. Coming from our Soul dispenses with the issue of connection. Instead, we focus on what is it like to originate from our Soul since we have chosen for so long to operate from our ideas and emotions. To know God becomes knowing the world through the Soul's eyes. Knowing God is using each day to learn more about how our Soul goes about life, at work and at home.
We know very little about how our Soul operates. We are much more familiar with our intention to integrate our psychological self with our spiritual self in the hope that this will eventually lead to transcendence. However, our Soul is completely independent of how our psychological self conditionally experiences life. It is where an unbounded spectrum of fullness lies. In stark contrast is the constriction of the conditioned,psychological self. We can quite accurately predict ahead of time how we will tend to see and/or react to things before they happen [thus the prolific use of personality testing in business and leadership training]. The psychological self is formed early in life mostly in reaction to how we were cared for and responded to when we had needs, fears and hurts as a child. The psychological self then projects what it experienced and how it learned to survive onto others and the world at large. So, for example, if we felt cared for and responded to when we were afraid, then we tend to see others as well intentioned and the world as friendly. If not, then we tend to not trust others to be there for us and see the world as a place where we will need to fight for our rights. Our ideas about ourselves and others tend to become self-perpetuating. Included in the projected schema, is what kind of God we see and how we worship. With spirituality largely determined by the psychological self, it is hard to imagine that we could come into our Soul from this vantage point.
Our Soul is free of conditioned living and is not the result of a projection. Our Soul is unaffected by the circumstances of early life. Only our awareness of our Soul and our ability to live from our Soul was affected. Spirituality addresses the degree of loss of connection but it needs to come from our Soul and not the psychological self. To the psychological self, our Soul is a projection of itself. We run a risk when we are coming from the psychological self to know our Soul through religious and spiritual practice. The risk is approaching our Soul in reaction to what the psychological self has been carrying and not being aware of the influence. The psychological self will choose a type of spiritual belief based on its historical development. It will be a religion that has a loving God if we were reasonably cared for and a vindictive God if we were not. More subtle will be how our spiritual practice unfolds within the tradition we have chosen. We will have to work hard to get it just right if that is what it was like to get the approval of our parents. We will only have moments of Grace if we have walls up because we carry the hurt of not being cared for in the way we needed while growing up. We will fall in love with a guru to have the idealized parent we never had. We will pray ceaselessly for our cause to feel the specialness we never got and needed. Or we will restrain our ecstasy in Spirit because it would feel like we were abandoning and being disloyal to a miserable parent who never knew such joy.
Coming from our Soul frees us from looking through the lens of the psychological self and the ego that resulted. Depending on the extent of the ego's involvement in our spirituality, coming from our Soul can compliment our spirituality or look and feel drastically different. Either way, a distinct shift will be felt because the ego's disguise in spirituality has been the human condition to one degree or another. Who would have thought that “connecting” to Spirit, “seeking” enlightenment and/or being “saved” is different than coming from our Soul.
We start our personal and spiritual growth with goals like these in mind. Usually, it is only after years of heartfelt and deeply held dedication to bettering ourselves that we are ready to consider deconstruction of our practice, dogma and belief that have lead us this far. We eventually begin to have moments, usually when we are not being busy, when we realize that we are coming up short. We want to have it all together but these moments remind us that we are really looking for something more. Insights and increased awareness gained through counseling, reading, meditating and/or various religious practices have all helped. They give us a taste of the Divine and the zeal to continue on the path. However, for those courageous enough to notice, there remains an underlying sense of meaninglessness and longing that makes itself known from time to time. Occasionally, it is a consuming anguish. It is a deep longing that points to something missing which is very fundamental to our lives. It's as if when we go far enough along our path, we discover it seems to take us to an abyss that requires something very different than what we are used to if we are to find the way across.
Typical signs of being at the abyss include starting to get tired of working on our "stuff" by trying to develop capacities to be kind, loving, non-egoic or whatever else we hold dear to our hearts. The prayers, chants, spiritual concepts and religious systems get increasingly stale over time. We may start to wonder if something is wrong or deficient with us. We may feel alone, separate and/or not as committed as our fellow seekers. We might resort to a certain envy of those religious followers who appear so certain of their beliefs, proclaiming they are saved and content to abide by the moral dictates that will lead them to heaven. Remember those times when we thought it all seemed so clear! A despair can ensue as our vision or ideal is assaulted by the reality of our everyday short comings. While not as frequently or intensely, we still react to certain people and situations, we still have our bad moods, feel alone, different and wonder why we are here. We are left wondering, "Is being peaceful, happy, enlightened, saved and/or awake really possible for me or is it just for saints and gurus?"; What is this all about to be left in such a place? How frustrating! And the deep longing grows.
The feelings of meaninglessness, despair, staleness and longing to live more fully have an important message for us. They often are an indication that we are not living out of our core. As we get closer to our core, these feelings often become more intense. If we release these feelings from judgment and just be with them in open curiosity, they have something invaluable to say about where we have been living from. What are these feelings telling us?
Begin with re-examining a fundamental assumption by asking what role our Soul has had in all of our best made intentions and plans to develop ourselves and become more evolved? Did we ever ask, "How does my Soul see this?"; Or, did we choose from another place? Were we drawn to some leader or spiritual practice and adopted it because it attracted us in some way? Did it seem like a good idea, was another person convincing because it helped them so much, did a certain religious dogma seem to have all the answers and/or was there a charismatic leader that drew us? What was our Soul saying? Did we ask? Where did we choose from? Where did our attraction originate from? And if our choice was answering the Soul's call, is it the “Soul's experience” or is it “some other part of us that has taken over”?
These are crucial questions because the Soul does not experience meaninglessness nor any need for spiritual practice and/or personal growth. The Soul doesn't register a problem of being broken or incomplete or lacking. However, when we are separate from our Soul, these are common feelings. Ironically, we may ignore the Soul in our attempts to know our Soul. The overarching feeling of meaninglessness is the result and an abyss is it's geography.
What has spoken to us and moved us has all played a role and probably has lead us in some way to our Soul. However, if you are reading this book, chances are the time has come to live from the place of the Soul more fully. Meaninglessness and despair is the Soul's call. It is our Core's way of letting us know we are off the mark and to return. Once we really listen in, it is indisputable feedback that we are not living enough by what we are but by our ideas, constructs, feelings and/or ego ideals of being religious or spiritual. Living from the Soul is not mental or emotional, yet it is what is most familiar and what we have been most comfortable with.
We deeply desire to know Spirit, to be love, to feel peace, to see the good in the other and all of life. But we study it and practice it so as to remain the doer. This only gets us so far. At some point, for spirituality to remain alive and vital, the Soul needs to be the epi-center so that we are the vessel rather that the one in charge. Being the Presence of the Soul is very different than working on ourselves. To begin with, it means putting aside preferred mental concepts to make room for the consciousness of the Soul to inform our mind. It means loosening the attachment to familiar ways of knowing things so as to enter the emergent and nonlinear knowing of the Soul. It involves letting go of the ego's idea that individual salvation can be won by working on oneself because the Soul's way is through relationship.
Practically speaking, there are two basic issues to address right away if we are going to live from the Soul vs. our ego “working on it” through spiritual practice. First, the question of, "What is the Soul?" probably has already entered our mind several times while reading this introduction. Then the questions of " When is he going to define it?" and " What does he mean by the Soul? most likely have followed. Meanwhile, we have likely already associated the word "Soul" with what we remember reading about it and/or our own ideas. Am I using the word "Soul" in the same sense? The answer is "no". I don't offer a definition because I know that eventually leads to the abyss and where the question comes from which is the ego. At some point, the illusion of, "if we can define it, then we know it", fades. Instead, I offer an invitation to "Ask our Soul" what It is. What do we hear, feel and /or see? Probably not something that is in the form of a definition but something that will eventually feel much more real than a definition. That takes some getting used to as it is not an answer that is anthropomorphic or mentally constructed from past reference points. If nothing comes right away, and it often doesn't in the beginning, keep asking.
Realize that the need to define the Soul, to know the Soul is again an attempt to live by the ego. To live from the Soul, let it go. Instead of conceptualization, we use our "homing instinct" as does a bird that knows which way to fly to arrive at it's destination. We leave our nest of ideas about ourselves and others and trust that we have wings to take us much further. We take a "leap of faith" that we won't fall into a tailspin of emptiness [this is where "faith" really helps to live from the Soul]. Only do we know that we have wings and that we were meant to fly when we leave the twigs and sticks of our carefully perched reality. This nest we created was only meant to be a launching pad for a time being. If you are experiencing meaninglessness, it is time to leave the ego and use the wings of the Soul.
Secondly, the Soul knows itself through love or Soul to Soul relating. Love is what allows us to experience the presence of another's and our own Soul. When we don't give and receive love, we separate from the Soul. Coming from the Soul is what we call love. Love is not an emotion but a state of consciousness that emanates from the Soul. The golden rule is provided as training wheels until we are able to find our balance in the consciousness of the Soul. Enlightenment or salvation is not the goal of the Soul but the ego's. "Working on oneself "to become "whole" is a result of not knowing the Soul and denying it's reality. The Soul is simply experiencing itself in many forms and people. To come from the Soul is beholding the inherent divinity in another and all things as well as ourselves. There is no other purpose. We are only here for this. Peace, joy, love naturally arises. Coming from the Soul puts the horse before the cart where it belongs.
Coming from the Soul is where humanity is headed and what is truly meant by the dawning of the "New Age"; or the "Second Coming". It is the time for true intercourse whereby no longer is there the juxtaposition of the Soul and the ego but the two merge into the One. From this union, the Soul is reborn and becomes our future.
Although many believe that a millennial shift is occurring, many have wondered how will it occur and what can we do to take part in the "dawning" of this New Age. I believe we have a clue. It will dawn as each of us recognizes that we are Spirit, that we are expressions of the Formless One, and that we are a part of the whole. Like the dawn itself, this awakening will happen gradually as more and more people come to full consciousness of living from our Soul. One by one, our experience of being Spirit in the world will grow and our actions will follow accordingly. The hope of "New Age" is based on the elevation of humanity's spiritual consciousness. As we begin to live out of our "Soul" and know we are One Soul, all will be treated with kindness, compassion and love. Wars will cease, peace on earth will prevail and living in accordance with nature will be our way.
May this book contribute to our collectively expressing God as our Mother and God as our Father. By coming from our Soul, we are the sons and daughters of God blessing all that we come in contact with. We are in the fullness of our being. Let us meet there! Amen.
OUR SOUL'S WAY and STRESS
“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.” Chinese Proverb
Whenever we experience stress, struggle, and/or strain, we are living from our ego and not our Soul. Our Soul’s way is to work with ease and grace. Tension results when the ego unskillfully uses will that is driven by mental streams of anxious thinking. We become set on making something happen according to our notions of how and when it should. Our sense of who we are is tied to the outcome. We put ourselves on the line. If things are happening as we thought, everything is O.K. If not, we are a failure, or someone or something is to blame. This is ego-based behavior and always shows up as stress. In contrast, Soul-based behavior can be outcome oriented, but gets there using a much wider frame of resources, and one that has no ego as the center. The hallmark of acting from the Soul is a sense of flow. Work becomes an activity carried forward in a river’s current of creative life force. We are aware of a larger field of energy that we align with to support us in reaching our goal. Our Soul seamlessly operates in more dimensions to fulfill a goal than how we typically think of getting something done. We still need to work at what we want to accomplish, but we work with the tools inherent to the Soul. These “tools” include the appearance and inclusion of synchronicity, intuition, balance of effort and rest, enjoyment, being in the moment, spaciousness, a sense of connection, innovation, and serendipity.
Typically, ideas spontaneously arise about how to do it better, just the person we need to help us is found, a “breakthrough” occurs, and the energy we need to finish is supplied. We seem to be in the right place at the right time, along with others who may be involved in the project. These trademarks of working from the Soul reflect being involved with something bigger than the personal will. Our Soul is inextricably connected to all that is. So one might say that when we go about a task in which we are living from our Soul, we also have the support and teamwork from places we are yet to discover. This non-linear, non-rational and non-local manner of working complements our more typical modes, so that the whole of us shows up to get something done: Soul, body and mind.
If we have the presence of mind to ask something like, “If I were living from my Soul right now, what would I experience?” or “If I came from my Soul, how would I go about this task?,” often what first appears is a sense of connecting to a larger field of consciousness and an embracing Presence. The immediate effect can be one of breathing easier, and feeling a greater sense of peace and equanimity. Asking these questions is often the most important action we can take when we are feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Stress can only occur when we have separated from our Soul. While we may not be able to control what is coming at us, we can choose how to engage with it. When being our Soul, we are always bigger than the stressful situation. We expand into a field of consciousness that is much richer in resources than our conditioned modes of thinking and reacting to stress. Fed from our Soul, we automatically put things in perspective, and we see ways of dealing with the stress that were previously obscured by contraction and tension.
We were never meant to work in the world apart from our Soul’s involvement. It is not our design, and when we don’t work from our Soul, the effects of this show up on all levels: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Tiredness, disease, irritability, anxiousness, lack of connection, and despair are some of the more typical signs. There is a limit to how much stress a human can endure without consequences. When this happens, it is a call to look more deeply into our nature, and what we most fundamentally need to live a life that is in balance and arises from our deepest nature.
Stress points precisely to what makes it hard to live from our Soul. Examining the inner causes of stress reveals underlying core issues that have tended to separate us from our truth and Essence. Therefore, stress is a very important area of our lives to infuse with greater awareness, consciousness and ultimately, love. We can easily overlook the need for this because of how normalized stress has become in our culture. Tiredness [even exhaustion], tension, and anxiety are all tolerated, and seen as part of life and the way it is in our fast-paced culture. It can even be seen as a sign of self-importance. “See how tired I am because of all that I do and accomplish every day.” However, stress is a serious condition indicating a significant imbalance at the center of our life. We now know that stress is a precursor to most illnesses. Additionally, and important to this discussion, stress is a key sign that our Soul is far away and we have overridden our Essence with our reactive busyness.
So how we do we get back to our Soul? Often, fear is the single biggest internal cause of stress, and therefore the first place to look in terms of understanding the separation from our Soul. Common fears that we have all experienced include fear that we are not enough, fear that we will fail, fear of the pain of shame, fear of loss, and/or fear of having nothing and ending up all alone. Rather than actually lacking in any way, or being insufficient, fear results from having places in our consciousness in which there is a vacuum or hole. We are not aware of a “hole,” but it shows up as a numbness or over-reaction to stress. The places inside us where we have not allowed Love leave a vacuum in our psyche. Fear then fills this vacuum. These places represent unfinished healing from life events that we had no other way of handling other than to make ourselves wrong or inadequate. We lost parts of ourselves to judgment, and removed love. Under trying circumstances, this returns as stress. If we were abused as a child, repeatedly received harsh criticism from one or both parents, felt abandoned through divorce, were not seen for who we are, often did not get the support we needed when we were very hurt, or had any other experience growing up that significantly impacted our sense of lovable-ness, then very likely, we told ourselves that these things happened to us because we were bad and/or lacking in some important way. Without the resources to handle our pain in any other way, we blamed ourselves for what happened.
If we blamed others instead, this is a “defensive” reaction to shame. A vacuum in our psyche is created because the Love that is our being has been shut off by the impact of our internalized judgment. Fear takes over. When we feel stress, it is most deeply a call for Love.
When you feel stress, inquire if your root fear[s] is behind it. What is the worst that could happen if you don’t meet the expectations of your boss, if you don’t pass the test, if you say the wrong thing in an important meeting, or if you don’t know the answer to a question? Then ask again, what would be the worst of that if it did happen. And what would be the worst of that? We are looking for fear’s bottom line. When we find it, we know it. Saying what we most fear produces an automatic release that shows up as a whole body response. Often, there is a huge sigh of relief, like a weight has been lifted. There may be a sudden outpouring of tears if they have been hidden for years. It is a distinct and obvious shift.
This is the place and moment for Love to fill the vacuum. When we experience how our Soul embraces our fear, all is made whole. More than an affirmation and/or correction of perception that our ego would supply, our Soul is a field of Light and energy that heals us from the inside out. It is an upwelling of Love displacing anything that is not Love. We are literally filled with Love so that we may know our perfection perhaps for the first time.
An example of how to use stress to bring us back to Love would be when we feel stress about doing our job well enough in the next week to meet our own expectations, and the perceived expectations of those around us. On Sunday night, we begin to tense up just thinking about the week and all we have to do. Are we prepared for what is ahead? What will happen if things don’t work out as planned? Can we get everything done that needs to be done? When thoughts such as these arise, we ask ourselves what is the worst that could happen? We could lose our job. What is the worst of that? We then wouldn’t be able to pay our bills. What is the worst of that? We would lose our house. What is the worst of that? We would feel ashamed, like a failure and we would be all alone. This is probably the bottom line. Most of us fear this the most: being alone, disconnected from others and life because of some defect in ourselves.
Now, ask a question like: what is our Soul’s experience in this moment, or how does my Soul see this fear? The question tends to bring forth the field of consciousness that belongs to our Soul, like a magnificent angel appearing with all the love and wisdom one could ask for to meet the fear. This angel is most deeply who we are. It is having stress and fear transformed by the Light within us that is waiting to be activated. Depending on what we most need, we then would perhaps feel ourselves breaking out of a cave or hole of fear into an image of sunlight. Or a warmth may suddenly arise that moves through our whole body and dissolves all fear. A great sense of Peace may overcome us. From the deepest place, we know that everything is O.K. We step back with our Soul to look at the stress with all the Love of the world. Our perceptions start to shift, and we find our center again. We see fear for what it is, with compassion and understanding. Like a mother extending a tender gaze to a frightened and lost child, our fear vanishes in the embrace of Love. We trust and deeply appreciate who we are. We are safe. Often greater understanding of our past naturally occurs in this process. We may realize how much fear and shame we have carried all our life in reaction to unloving behaviors on the part of those we depended on. It may bring back memories of being cut off from the family when we did something “bad.” We may have heard a voice in our head that we now realize was the voice of a critical parent. We may go back to a memory of feeling totally humiliated at a school function, and when we didn’t have the support we needed from our friends. Whatever the wounding, our Soul goes there with Love until what has been carried for so long returns to abiding wholeness and perfection.
Our Soul has the transformative power to shatter all illusions and return us to our true Essence. Tapping into this power when we feel stress is like bringing in the “dream team” to deal with the current challenge. The fear behind stress easily makes us forget our “vastness” and the infinite resources we have to meet our circumstances. We just need to be plugged into all that we truly are again, particularly when we are stressed. Asking what our Soul is experiencing can be what plugs us into a dimension of who we are that is unfettered by the world’s challenges, and opens us to Grace in the moment. From there, we navigate our way toward the action that is most right for the situation. It could lead to new and better ways of doing things so that we don’t feel so much stress, or we may realize that our current situation is truly not in anyone’s best interest and we may decide to make a change. What does arise, we automatically trust as our path. An underlying sense of knowing is a sign of our Soul’s involvement.
Changes made to address the stress that arises from our Soul always benefits everyone and everything concerned. We know they are in accord with the highest good, even though temporary disruptions may occur if the actions entail setting limits, saying “no” more often, changing what we are doing or doing things quite differently. In contrast, actions that arise in reaction to fear and the accompanying symptoms of overload, “burnout,” frustration and/or anxiousness most likely will cause further suffering for everyone and everything concerned. Stress is increased by the reactions, and a new cycle of tension is launched.
However, stressful situations can produce significant shifts in consciousness when we live from our Soul. Intention is important for this to occur. When “doing” outweighs “being our Soul,” there will always be stress. The stress will be maintained, and will likely increase as we adopt strategies to deal with the stress that are based in more “doing.” Whatever the stressful situation is, first take time to establish a felt relationship with our Soul. Ask questions such as, “How does my Soul see this stress?” or “If I was my Soul going about taking care of this stress, how would I handle things?” or “My Soul never experiences stress, how does it do that?” Then let our mind rest and notice what arises as these questions draw us into experiencing our Soul. We may not hear or know an answer right away. The important action is making space to be infused from our Soul. We have thought about the situation as much as we can. At some point, the ego just spins in circles. Going to our Soul is opening to a knowing that arises from deep inside. It just comes to us like a morning light. We see in a new way, an inner resource makes itself known, we get clear about what we need to do, and/or the underlying fear reveals itself and is dissolved in the Light of love.
After these shifts occur, make it a point to protect and maintain your Soul as your Source of thought and action in situations that were previously stressful. This is most easily done by an ongoing checking in with questions such as: “Am I coming from my Soul in this moment?” and/ or “What is my Soul experiencing right now?” When we do lose awareness of our Soul, make note of what triggered the loss. What made something in our circumstances more important than being our aliveness, being our Soul, being Grace? Then ask, “How does my Soul view this?” or “If I came from my Soul, what would I learn about this?” Or, it may be that these questions are unnecessary. It was enough to launch us back into our Soul just realizing we made something more important than remaining in the consciousness of Love, Peace and Joy. In this way, we learn “to be in the world but not of it” in more and more places.
The Mystery of Relationships
What if there is a way of relating to one another that opens up possibilities for spontaneous and unpredictable joy that is not based on any external circumstance? Would you like to experience effortless rapport even with difficult issues, a sense of complete and full connection in each moment that leaves both of you with a unimagined feeling of aliveness? What if these possibilities have only been occasionally experienced but could be lived as the norm because they are a reflection of the true nature of relationship? What if it required only a shift in attention from your usual focus on things like facial expressions and what you are going to say next to the mystery of what is in between?
There is a fascinating mystery within all relationships that waits to be more fully discovered. It has to do with the subtle but infinitely rich medium of energy that is present whenever two or more interact with one another. To be aware of this mystery is truly a blessing. It is the source and means of relating from your essence or Soul. When relating from your Soul, what you say and do naturally arises from love for the highest good for all. It is being in "right" thought and action without effort. A whole new dimension opens up that is not possible when confined to the the thoughts and feelings of “personality types”. Relating is clearly recognized as meeting for a moment or being together for years to create experiences that reveal aspects of the divine in everyday encounters.
To align yourself to Soul when you are relating requires a basic reorientation. Instead of acting from the ego's agenda, you are paying attention to and receiving what is in between. To do this, begin to create a habit of asking what your Soul is experiencing while you are with another. This simple question shifts your attention from your ordinary consciousness. Notice what is in the space between you and the other. It will become apparent to you that relationships are not just between two people. A third presence is always there. It is a holy presence of love. You may be surprised to discover this is true in any encounter and is not just reserved for special relationships. When you are alert enough to what your Soul is doing, you will notice that the first response to another, whether stranger or friend, is to behold them in love. This response is instantaneous, un-mediated and not in your control. It arises as a natural response and it is a indication of your true nature, which is love.
You can confirm this if there is enough space in your awareness between the moment you first meet them and the ego's onrush of various reactions, wants, fantasies, labels, judgments and conclusions about the person. Of course, it is different with a friend or partner. You are likely to be aware of a warm feeling that remains throughout the time together but generally recedes into the background as “talking” and/or “doing” things occupies more of your attention.
The full potential and mystery of relationship is not possible to explore without active awareness of the third presence. It is what is most alive. It is the medium of the Soul and therefore carries the most important influence upon what you truly want to happen with another. But how do you make room to be aware in this way? Relationships are often the hardest place to experience your Soul with all the feelings, thoughts, needs and reactions that generally arise.
To begin to create more Soul space, it helps to realize that your focus has usually been determined by the ego. Ego based relating is the preferred mode because it is what is most familiar to you. In this mode, the ego is busy maintaining a self-image in accord with the internal narrative about who you think you are. You end up living out particular identifications such as, "I deserve better" or "I don't deserve better" and "I am worthy of love" or "I am not worthy of love". It is a form of attachment and aversion that most significantly impacts your expression of self, the types of relationships you have and the relational capacities that you carry around. It is a rigidity of self that obscures the Soul's openness to the mystery of relationship. An openness that is free of who we are supposed to be and what is supposed to happen in each moment. But you feel you won't know who you are if your experience of others keeps changing. You don't want to lose what you have, what you know about yourself and how you make sense of things.
This fear is avoided by relating to others in ways that are habitual, repetitive and based in the past. It gives you a feeling of being in charge. With the ego as the center of consciousness, those around you are captured with conclusions so that they are already known and completed. Relationships now operate from presumption. It is the end of real relating. You are only engaging with what is packaged by your ego into attractive or unattractive, stimulating or non-stimulating, desirable or and undesirable images of another. In addition, if the relating is romantic in nature, then love is sought. It is "sought" because loving another person without the conscious awareness of the love that "is" or the third presence, results in a projection of love that is already there. The ego operates as a self-enclosed, separate entity and does not recognize the presence of love that "is". Inevitably, seeking love leads to disappointment because it is a projection based in the images of the ego. Along the way many feelings arise such as you can't live without the other, the swinging of moods from love to despair, a deep sense of abandonment when you are hurt, an intimacy that feels too close, a distance that feels lacking, a rage if the other doesn't conform to your expectations and a need for continual affirmation. These types of feelings are not so much a testament to love as an indication of the predominance of the ego at the expense of soul consciousness.
Living from Soul consciousness in relationships requires learning to work through your fear. When there is an awareness of the third presence, the ego becomes uneasy, uncomfortable and frightened with the creative power of love. On the one hand you want to relate in a new way and on the other hand the ego seeks the comfort of the known. This tension within the psyche is very important to successfully resolve. It is the elephant in the room and plays a central role in the degree of fullness experienced in relationships. When it is repressed or unsuccessfully resolved, then addictions often result. The tension is redirected to new experiences that you are controlling by the type and amount of substance used. This amounts to boundless boundedness, controlled loss of control.
In addition to fear, grief arises when the presence of love is allowed into consciousness. Love exposes the emptiness and vulnerability of the ego. The pain of feeling separate, abandoned and unworthy arises. This feels like an overwhelming pain for most. In reaction, the ego uses it's many defenses, including blame, withdrawal, anger, judgment, control, having an affair and most commonly, holding back full engagement with another. A sense of separateness remains intact to protect you from your grief yet it is also the source of grief.
While the issues of fear and grief arise most strongly in an intimate relationship, some degree of this is going on even in the most casual exchanges. This surprising fact can be attested to simply by slowing yourself down enough to observe what happens when you engage with anyone. Ask questions in the moment like: In what ways do I size the other up? What need am I trying to meet by doing that? If they don't smile back, what do I say to myself? If they do, what do I say? What do I notice the most about the other? What do I look for first? What does this tell me about myself? Do I feel tense or relaxed in this encounter? What is that saying about me? When you get to the bottom line, these types of inquiries lead, in the end, to some version of dealing with fear and grief.
To work through whatever fear and grief remain in your life, begin making it a priority to be aware of the third presence in any relationship during the day. It is the most important action you can take to heal what arises for you in relationships. To deepen into the third presence, ask at different times, "What my Soul is experiencing?" while you are relating to another. Rather than acting out of what has influenced you from the past, you are now engaged with what is moving you from within. You are releasing the ego's experience of itself to be informed by love. Notice what it is like now to experience another in this way? Feel what arises from being in presence. Let go of "thinking about" it. Allow yourself enough space to sense what is there. Experience the holy interior that joins you with everyone through curiosity, listening and a waiting that holds all possibility and potential. It is the unfoldment of the fullness of relationship into consciousness. There is no "identity" to maintain, work on and/or perfect in reaction to fear and grief . There is just arising, moment-to-moment presence. Instead of “personalities” living within a range of familiar responses, there is fullness of relating that manifests in limitless, unpredictable and unplanned ways. You are relating with a non-thinking knowing about what to say and do next. It is a knowing that is within versus a knowing "about" the relationship at hand.
While writing this article a client and soul friend shared with me her experience of talking with her husband about his recent request for a divorce. Of course, initially she was very hurt, upset and felt overwhelmed. However, as the flood of feelings arose, she had the presence of mind to ask what her Soul was experiencing. She became aware of a presence embracing them both. From here she responded. In that moment, she in effect, surrendered her ego to making space for Soul. This could be considered as opening to "Thy will be done". She found herself deeply listening to all he had to say. In the course of listening, she felt a closeness to him as her heart poured out to him. Her words to him were exactly what he needed to hear and feel. They came away with a degree of understanding, closeness and love that they had not previously known in their relationship.
This could not have happened without being held in the ground of Soul, of love. You can imagine what you might have said and done in reaction to being told your partner wants a divorce. It might be anything from yelling, defending, explaining and blaming to withdrawing and completely shutting down. You could also predict what would likely happen from there. This is an unusual example because it is a situation that potentially is so volatile and triggers your deepest fears. Yet it is these times that have the most healing impact on the wounds that have been accumulated.
Perhaps you, as well as this woman, have returned in many lifetimes to find your true way in meeting challenging times in relationships. To live your truth, what if you made it a point to practice asking what your soul is experiencing while with another and noticing what is there in between? Then, when the really difficult crisis appears, you are ready to respond from the deepest place in your heart and enter into the mystery of love.
Another example, that is just from day to day living, comes from my own recent experience. The other week, I drove up to the marina to go sailing. I got out of the car and started walking down the dock greeting those I met along the way. What happened was very unexpected. Everyone I met was as if for the first time because I was seeing them in ways that I would never have imagined. It was as if each were some type of god or goddess. I could feel them coming from the invisible realms to appear in their infinite glory. As if carried by a river, their presence moved me into the Divine. The love was almost overwhelming because I didn't know where it was coming from or why. It just was. Each moment felt blessed as if I was in some kind of sacred temple in which we were being baptized in each other's eyes. Of course the conversation was light, but the experience was anything but that. I realized that I only knew them in the most superficial ways. I was profoundly moved. While none of this was discussed, I knew that each of us walked away the richer for it. I could see it for a flash and feel the shift.
I have also been having fun noticing the infinitely changing and vitalizing nature of the in between space with my wife. Several days ago, while catching up on the day with her, all of a sudden, I felt like bursting out into laughter as a rush of joy went through me when I felt the third presence. At another moment, I looked at her and as with the friends on the dock, experienced a sense of awe in beholding the fathomless nature of her being. My immediate thought was of how little I really know of her and how exciting it is that it will be an ongoing discovery. Finally, while reading together and feeling into the energy enveloping us, I felt this deep sense of peace and grace that I knew was always there regardless of whatever happens.
Exercise: A simple way to heal fear and grief and experience the underlying mystery of relationships is to create space in your interactions with others. Making space invites Soul consciousness. This is done in the form of pauses. It requires letting go of your ego's needs , desires and wants, at least momentarily. These include the want for the other to finish so you can talk about what you want to talk about, the need to verbalize the endless stream of thoughts within your head, the need to fill any silence or discomfort in the moment, the need to feel in charge of the conversation so as to not lose yourself and the need for approval or to impress upon the other a certain self- image. "Talkingness: is often about clinging to the ego and is an indication that you are separate from Soul.
Begin with pausing before you reply and pausing while speaking. Hold yourself back to a three second pause before you initiate or respond to any comment. Let silence enter the sentences spoken. This invites Soul back into your consciousness. Notice how your usual way of talking takes on new dimensions with space. Talking becomes not so much about conveying information as listening within your speaking in addition to listening to the other. The urge to respond lessens as the desire to move according to your heart grows stronger. You don't know what you will say or do until the moment arrives. Instead of “personalities” relating within a range of familiar responses, there is fullness of being emanating from the space in between. There is nothing “stylized” about the communication and behavior. There is no “identity” to maintain, work on and/or perfect. You are learning about you by how you respond to the moment as well as the other. As this is occurring, you may feel more relaxed, still and held in sacred space. These are the kind of qualities that appear when truly relating to another.
Warning: As with any spiritual practice, the ego will immediately enter the process. It's involvement will be easily identified by a certain kind of thinking and feeling. It involves expectation, judgment, trying, effort and eventually failure and shame. Examples of how it might sound in your head are: “I should practice this because I will be more evolved in how I relate.” Or, “I can't sense a third presence. Something is wrong with me.” Or, “I am reacting to this person. I hate that! I want to be more loving!” Or, “I am more spiritual than others because I can sense what is in between.” And finally, “Jeffrey seems so free of his ego in how he writes. I can't do as well. I am a failure.”
The fact that the ego appears is a given. There is nothing “bad” or “wrong” about this. Yes, it is not your preference and much suffering results. However, the ego has provided a sense of identity until you felt the impulse to explore life more completely. The ego has been your cocoon from which to emerge. It provides a container so as to know what is like to have no container or form limited by sameness and repetition of behavior in relationships.
When the ego appears through judging, trying to be a better person or some version of working towards an ideal image of yourself, then take a moment to thank your ego for taking you this far. Return to your deepest impulse to explore the mystery of relationships. Why do you really want to do this. Isn't it for love? From your devotion proceed. Love joined with the ego will serve you well. When you fail, your love for the truth and the way will hold you and soften everything. How you engage in the process is as important as doing the practice. Remember to do it with love and when you forget, it is just for the remembering again.
Experiencing the Subtle Work of Soul
To create an opening to directly experience your divine nature, place your focus on what your Soul is doing in a particular moment during the day. Rather than engaging with the world in same ways to maintain a certain ego identity, this provides an opportunity to know more about your essence. One of the easiest ways to do this is to simply ask, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”. This question moves your attention from typical thoughts, emotions and reactions to the spiritual dimension of your being. The question also implies there is no “seeking”, “working on” or “attaining” a “state of consciousness”. Divinity is within, whole and completely intact. You are just making space to notice what was forgotten and overlooked by the ego's investment in a self-image. However, this kind of remembering needs to be done with a sense of devotion versus with a motive to “feel better”, to be spiritually enlightened or as a new strategy for more effective living. To live from Soul is to expect nothing from it- not to save yourself or the world. All ego-based spirituality is revealed by the presence of expectation. It is a form of assault upon divinity with preset assumptions and goals that occludes the ways of Soul which are often subtle. Soul is just for being.
When asking the question,“What is my Soul experiencing?”, what naturally follows is an observing eye watching to see if anything is happening as a result. If the question is asked with a motive in mind, then the tendency is to look for a result based on assumptions and expectations about what you want to happen. You want to know if you are getting back what you thought you would from asking the question. You are after achieving your ideal state and you want to see if anything special is happening. These wants are very understandable and besides indicating the ego's involvement, they also speak to your deep longing to know spirit. However, expectations will only lead to mistaken conclusions, disappointment and eventually giving up.
Instead, ask the question as a reflection of your devotion. Now you are coming from your heart to know your true nature. You are held in a love that softens everything, holds you in your center and allows you to be gracious with what ever happens or doesn't happen. Your love is foundational to the process. It is what will get you through your challenges. Many times along the way you will feel like you are failing. Feeling a sense of failure is inevitable and is always an indication that the ego has entered the process. Since no one is completely free of ego, it will be a part of your path. The ego will make itself known in the spiritual process by having a goal or ideal image in mind that you haven't met. Falling short of this goal can feel like one of the worst kind of failures because it seems to represent a separation from love, connection, peace and joy. In other words, separation from what means the most to your heart. However, it is the very love that you seek which embraces apparent failure when the question originates from devotion. Love is there with you when a noticeable shift in consciousness doesn't occur and there is no overt spiritual stimulation to make you feel like you are getting somewhere. Instead of thinking it doesn't work and/or something is wrong with you, a spaciousness arises from a deep sense of knowing that everything is OK just as it is. You aren't concerned with the result of the question. You are innocent, curious and open to remembering how Soul works free from any agenda.
Sometimes, very profound experiences do arise but more typically, the work of Soul is subtle. This subtly usually remains hidden from the mind because it is busy both answering the question and wondering whether or not the question is causing anything to happen. Looking to see if anything is happening can be a useful reminder that you are not entering Soul consciousness with curiosity based in devotion. It lets you know that the ego has appeared without your awareness in the form of doing something to get something. It is wanting to be in control by going to your Soul to make something happen. This misses the way in which divine Love works. It is always through receiving and never through what amounts to willful attempts to control spirit according to your needs and desires.
Remember that Love is not subject to control. It is the ground, the sun, it is the invisible force behind all that is. Knowing your divine nature as love is unlike mental or physical work that involves concrete acts that are within your control to reach a goal. Instead, love is revealed through a simple devotion and openness. Therefore, asking about what your Soul is experiencing is the same as wanting to go for a walk in the woods because you love nature or pausing to notice a beautiful sunset that draws you to it's awesome splendor. In each, your love for nature causes you to make yourself open and available to receive what is there. So it is with your spiritual nature. Asking in this way creates space for you to experience something beyond what your mind thinks should happen.
Instead of making spirituality “happen”, with Soul, things happen in a different way. The idea of cause and effect gives way to synchronicity. What “happens” is not because you asked the question, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?” but rather has to do with taking a moment to release your sense of a separate self into the whole. You enter a river of grace which has its own time, divine purpose and way of returning you to the ocean. There is no point in trying to figure out if anything is “happening” because you asked the question. In the realm of grace, the need to stay on top of spiritual progress gives way to your wisdom. Wisdom is an implicit trust in what “is”. You are neutral. To remain so allows you to begin to realize that what does happen is not solely dependent on your mind and your will.
As you let go of the idea that you are “causing” spiritual experiences to happen or not happen, the “river of grace” begins to carry you into the force of Love. One of the first things you may notice is that your never-ending thoughts stop for at least a moment. In this moment, there is stillness and peace. Mindfulness techniques are not necessary in the the quiet of Soul. It just happens naturally. What then usually occurs are subtle shifts. The air may seem to be lighter as if you just left a stuffy room to go outdoors. There may be a warm sense of presence which moves in and around your body. You may feel slightly more expanded. Something catches your eye that you didn't notice before as you become aware of your surroundings in new ways. You may work with greater ease, notice a certain flow, and feel a quality of aliveness that was not there before asking the question. Or, it may seem like nothing is happening. If this is the case , first check to see if you are “using” the question to avoid, fix, change and/or attain something. The ego has a way of coming into the process without your awareness. When there is a motive, it is generally an indication that the ego is at work. Under these circumstances, there is not really an opening for Soul to be received. If there is no hidden motive at work, then in your simple curiosity and devotion there is no need for anything to happen.
The experience of “nothing happening” is an opportunity to release any remaining attachments and leaves you purified in your devotion. From this innocent intent, a more complete immersion into the spiritual dimension of your being is likely to occur. Subtle and not so subtle changes arise not from anything you are doing but from a deeper alignment with your true self.
The experience of spiritually growing without “doing” anything seems counter-intuitive. It is usually more comforting to learn traditional practices that sages have used to attain enlightenment. “Working” on yourself gives you something to do to reach your goal and provides a sense of self-determination and control. There is an overall sense of spiritual progress being made that you are directing. While there may be substantial benefit from these practices, enlightenment will be elusive if it inadvertently delays knowing your true nature. In the words of St. John of the Cross , “The more spiritual a man is, the more he discontinues trying to make particular acts with his faculties.. Once the faculties reach the end of their journey, they cease to work, just as man ceases to walk when he reaches the end of his journey. If everything consisted of going, one would never arrive; and if everywhere we found means, when and where could we enjoy the end and goal?... at this stage, the faculties are at rest, and do not work actively but passively, by receiving what God is effecting in them.”
There is a divine seed within you that grows into your awareness on it's own. Only a simple curiosity is needed. When you ask, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”, the divine seed of awareness is stirred. The Parable of the mustard seed and the yeast [Matthew 13:31, 33] speaks beautifully to this in comparing our unfoldment to something as natural as “seed” and “yeast”:
The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in the field. The kingdom of heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
Asking, “What is my Soul experiencing right now?”, is a way of spirituality that once begun or given intent, works on it's own- like a seed and without human effort like yeast works to leaven bread. Soul spreads its life force outwards. It is subtle work from the inside out. More typical, is approaching spirituality from the outside in by using a “practice” or method for self-realization. This maybe an indication of separation from Soul. The divine seed is not recognized. The Soul informed mind does not have a plan for enlightenment. Plans are often a reflection of distrust and therefore a defense against Soul. The “seed” is simply something to be received.
To realign with your true nature, think of yourself only as a gardener of your Soul. There is a seed within that is growing and inevitably shows itself. It happens on its own or through Grace. You are to cultivate It's growth. How? Primarily by making room, making space for It to grow into your consciousness. Asking, “What is my Soul experiencing?” is making space. Add to the soil of your being trust and faith. Trust in your self and that the deepest part of you knows the way. Have faith that it will come on it's own.
Soul is not remembered as a result of “doing” anything. Asking the question is a shift from “doing” to “receiving” what is already there. What you are is effortless. Effort takes away while cessation opens and reveals. “Doing" is often the ego. “Be still and know that I am God” is the letting go of “doing” something to become more spiritual. “Knowing” means being. When asking, “What is my Soul experiencing this moment?”, allow yourself to feel the stillness and the joy that arises without the question tethered to the need for something to happen. This is the “garden” from which you grow.
Exercise: It is now time to be in this “garden”. Much of spirituality has been based in “doing”. It has been about acting loving, kind and good. It has also involved giving something to get “merits” or to be in God's grace. Reflect on how much of this “doing” was really a form of ego based relating that began in childhood and has never matured. This is something everyone needs to reflect upon to one degree or another. Was God substituted for your parents in certain ways and how much of your spiritual behavior has been about once again gaining approval? What are the similarities as to how you approach God? In this old scheme, did it seem that if you prayed enough, if you were good enough, if you gave enough, then you would be rewarded a special place with God? While these actions likely allowed you to dwell upon spirit and have made you a better person, it was only a beginning. If it was seen as a means to an end, then it may present an obstacle to your unfoldment. When you detach from this “deal” and the implicit expectations that come along with it, a space opens up for you to know Soul. Ask, “What is my Soul experiencing?” without any “deals” in mind and only from your heart. What do you notice when no expectation is attached ? If nothing apparent is happening, what is it like to allow this to be without making any conclusions? In what way[s] does Love make itself known?